Knowing If You Or Your Loved One Needs Retirement Living

Memory Loss

We all lose memory as we age. From time to time we may misplace our keys or forget a name or address without concern. What is a bigger worry however, is when memory loss affects more recent and important issues. Behaviours such as asking the same question over and over again, getting lost in familiar places, an inability to follow instructions or being confused about locations, times or familiar people.

The House Becomes Hazardous

Living in an environment that was previously acceptable can quickly become hazard-filled for a senior loved one. Clutter, loose rugs, excitable pets, power cords and other dangers could lead to a fall. If slippery surfaces, uneven, winding or steep outdoor paths, stairs or moving normally about the house seems to put your loved one in danger, this should be a red flag.

Pay close attention if you notice your loved one has difficulty reaching dishware, difficulty using the microwave, becomes forgetful turning off the oven or stovetop, and/or has difficultly following instructions with medications. Many of these hazards can be managed or risks mitigated without moving your loved one to a retirement home, however, others cannot and sometimes when exploring these risks collectively, the danger could be considerable.

Unclean Living Space

If your loved one’s home is untidy and odorous there may be issues with their physical ability to clean up after themselves. Some seniors find it difficult to do things they used to be able to manage alone; vacuuming, doing dishes, making or changing beds, doing laundry, cooking, buying and putting away groceries. It is often useful to make note of food and food preparation by looking in the fridge and cupboards for spoiled food, foods past their expiry dates, or simply a lack of food.

Weight Loss

Weight loss in older people can be a sign of problems with physical health, mental health or both. Weight loss could be the result of a serious health condition such as cancer, dementia or depression, but could also be due to things like difficulty preparing and cooking food, loss of taste or smell, loss of appetite and financial or socio-economic issues.

Change in Mood, Spirit or Personality

We all get sad sometimes and older adults are no stranger to hardship, however, clinical depression is not a natural product of aging. Many seniors maintain a happy outlook most or all of the time. If your loved one’s mood, spirit or personality change lasts longer than you’d consider normal, it could indicate clinical depression.

Managing Finances

Many seniors find it difficult to keep up with their financial responsibilities. Some conditions like dementia can also affect seniors’ ability to think abstractly and handle numbers on a complex level.

When a loved one is finding it difficult to handle daily finances or is becoming more susceptible to financial mistakes, the consequences can be severe and if unchecked can result in higher interest rates, fees and penalties, damaged credit rating, utility shut off or even eviction. Sadly, they may also fall victim to scams and get cheated out of large amounts of money.

Loss of Interest in Social Activities

The global pandemic has reduced our collective levels of social activity and seniors are vulnerable to suffering from feelings of isolation. It is important to make sure your loved one is remaining as active as possible, connecting with family and friends, maintaining hobbies and participating in the activities they enjoy. The restrictions that have been imposed due to COVID-19 affect many activities that were once an important part of seniors’ daily lives. A lost interest in being socially- active is another red flag.

Mobility Issues

Aging can lead to muscle loss and muscle-weakening, balance and coordination issues, stiffness and joint pain; where even getting out of a chair for a short walk can become problematic or impossible.

Losses in mobility can have profound social, psychological, and physical consequences. When a loved one can’t get around, they can suddenly feel dependent, relying on other people to take them places, and can become reclusive and depressed. With immobility, there can be an increased risk of incontinence (as it is difficult to get to the bathroom) which can potentially lead to urinary and skin infections.

The loss of mobility puts your loved one at a greater risk for falls, which may result in hip fractures. Beyond the pain and suffering, such fractures are life altering to seniors because some 20% of people with hip fractures die from complications within a year.

Physicians can quickly assess your loved one’s mobility with the “Get Up and Go Test”, where they ask the patient to get out of a chair, walk ten yards and turn around. They typically assess the speed, stability and steadiness of the senior. It is also important to assess your loved one yourself  and keep an eye out for changes.

Difficulty Driving

Often as we age, slower reflexes, diminished vision, and hearing, as well as increased confusion can make driving more challenging. Given the potential for damage, injury and loss from even a minor accident, it is critical to monitor and assess your loved one’s driving ability regularly and be prepared to step in where necessary. Dents, dings, scratches, scrapes, tickets, warnings or mishaps tend to be signs that an intervention is required. For many seniors, driving is the last piece of their independence and in smaller towns, life without wheels can seem unbearable. Setting boundaries and having discussions with your loved one about other options ahead of time are critical.

Difficulty Managing Self-Care

Pay attention for signs of self-neglect such as poor hygiene, sloppy dressing, wearing the same outfit day after day and unkempt appearance as indicators that could point to an issue. Another notable sign of poor hygiene is when there is continually no laundry – clothes, towels, washcloths. This is always a sure sign that proper cleaning, bathing is not happening. Managing your personal appearance and running a household can be a challenge for the best of us but difficulties and challenges in personal care or managing one’s affairs are often indicative of a more prevalent issue.

Remember, these are a fairly universal set of challenges facing all of our loved ones as they age, so any minor or gradual challenges or deficiencies here shouldn’t cause alarm. The issue is to focus on these areas as a continuum, establish a baseline and note rapid changes or severity of the specific issues.

Having Difficult Conversations

Being involved in a process to move a loved one through a difficult life-change like giving up their car or moving out of their home typically creates a broad spectrum of emotion in them. These range from anger to denial to guilt and frustration toward you and your siblings, their spouse, physicians and others involved in the process. Without question, underlying family dynamics run deep during these trying times and push us all into old patterns.

One of the most contentious and guilt inducing decisions is whether retirement living is in a loved one’s best interest. Even when a senior’s needs clearly exceed what can be provided by family or other caregivers, determining that a move is necessary is commonly accompanied by a sense of defeat. If the decision to move a loved one is also in your own best interest then the guilt looms even larger. Here are a few tips to help reduce the guilt you might be feeling:

Remember you are not the cause of your loved one’s illnesses or age-related decline.

In age-related issues or progressive illness, it is often important to remind yourself that you are not the reason for your loved one’s state of health. There is a tendency for us to absorb complete responsibility for a loved one’s condition. With cognitive decline, depression or certain illnesses, seniors can become angry, frustrated and unreasonable in their current situation and in efforts to problem-solve and find viable options. It sounds intuitive but there can be great value in reminding yourself and your loved one that you are there for them, that you did not cause their condition and you are trying to help them make the best decision available for them.

Realize that professional care is often a necessary next step.

While there can be many helpful programs (some even provided through LHIN at no charge) to provide care to a loved one in their own home that can supplement efforts by you, along with family and friends – a retirement residence is designed to provide increased safety, comfort, and quality of life. Around the clock support, professional nursing care and social stimulation and activities can be delivered cost effectively in a care setting. It is important to keep in mind that professional help is also necessary for you to avoid caregiver burnout and have a life and relationships outside of care giving.

Remind yourself and thank yourself for doing the best you can.

Being a primary caregiver is a massive responsibility and often not a job we have had any training for, nor one we likely signed up for. You are asked to make decisions about situations you have never encountered before and handle matters that often seem akin to picking the lessor of two evils. You have taken on a difficult role and are doing your best to make decisions and provide support based on the information and resources you have. Take a breath, thank and appreciate yourself -even if your loved one is not in a place to say it or fully appreciate all the work and stress they might be causing you.

Understand you can’t live your life for someone else.

Even the world’s best daughters and most dedicated caregivers can only help so much. Everyone needs a break from the stress, pressure and demands of providing care. Sometimes seniors have unrealistic expectations of us (often times for reasons they can’t help). Other times they reject care from others or refuse assistance from anyone at all, not realizing this puts the burden back on you. Remember, by taking care of and providing for your loved one 24/7, you are likely enabling them to believe they are doing it all on their own.

Quit feeling like you have failed.

Moving your loved one in to a retirement home does not mean you have failed to take care of them. It means you are making a smart, responsible decision to keep them safe and provide them with the care based on their ‘needs’.

Now instead of time spent worrying about things in the home, you have quality time as you can spend as much time as you like just talking, visiting (in the post-vaccine world we all dream of), taking your loved one to your house and appointments. You are continuing to manage and take great care of your loved one and you definitely have not abandoned them.